Dearest Amanda

It's been a while. I was never a good blogger to begin with. I wanted to keep up with this to enjoy over the years, but who knows.

I'm writing now because I am reflecting about the fact that I CANNOT believe it has been one year since I lost my dad.
It is such a bittersweet time for me.
I am going to celebrate his life this year because although I believe funerals should be a celebration of life, I just couldn't do it at the time. The mixture of emotions made it too difficult.
I am going to celebrate because I am proud of how I have found the strength to get through this year.
It is the MOST surreal feeling in the world when you lose someone so close to you. For me, every sense was heightened.
Hear: I listen with a much more sympathetic heart as others are hurting and need help.
Smell: I enjoy the little things in life like smelling flowers or just standing still and taking in everything around me.
See: I see everything in a completely different light. I look at things in a completely different perspective. Things just don't bother me as much as they did before. I don't stress out. I smile more.
Taste: I eat more Whataburger and bar-b-q than ever before:) it makes me think of my dad.
Touch: I hug everyone just a little bit tighter and make sure I smother my husband, nieces, and sisters in hugs and kisses as often as I can.

The GOOD things that happen seem so much better.

I am scared I will start to forget about my dad. I don't want to. I started crying the other day because I had not thought about my dad in a few days. My awesome husband immediately called my sister-in-law and she is going to work on an art piece in honor of my dad so I will have a reminder about it. I can't wait. More details will follow.


Dearest Amanda,
I wish I was giving you a hug right now. I am so proud of your school work this year in 1st grade. I enjoy our phone calls so much, when you tell me about your spelling grades and field trips. You are so smart and know you always try to do your very best. I bet you have your pretty smile on your face right now. Your two sisters love you very much. Please give them a kiss and hug from me. Keep praying for Daddy that he always does what is Godly and right. I know you do. You are so beautiful and smart and sweet.
Love,
Daddy

Girl's Daddy

I know you have heard the term - "Daddy's Girl". Tonight I made the comment that my dad was meant to be a Girl's Daddy. He was meant to have daughters. I know there are dads out there that don't quite know what to do with daughters. I don't blame them. We are EXTREMELY complicated and confusing. However, my dad was a great "Girl's Daddy".

Halloween - What am I supposed to be?

I think after you lose a parent, you start to think about what kind of parent they were, what kind of parent you will be, and what kind of parent your spouse will be. I know Daniel and I are having more conversations along this line.

This is a short list of things my dad did or said that I want to remember to do with my daughters.

My dad was extremely affectionate. The picture on my IPhone right now is of me and my dad kissing at my wedding. Julie, my cousin/photographer, caught it on camera. One of my friends saw it and thought it was strange that I kissed my dad on the lips. I have always kissed my dad on the lips. I thought it was strange that she DIDN'T kiss her dad on the lips. I want to always hug/kiss my kids because it's what I know.

I could pretty much talk to my dad about EVERYTHING. I usually did talk to him about everything. I was open, honest, and asked many questions. He was really good at answering them. I want to be a listener.

I found some tapes at my dad's house of some conversations we had when we were younger. We made a few tapes of us singing, etc. This particular tape was a conversation we had when he called us during my parent's divorce. It SUMS it all up. Here is the transcript. Michelle is 9, I am 4, and Ashley is 2.

Michelle (M): Hello
Dad (D): Michelle?
M: Yeah!
D: It's Daddy.
M: Oh, hi!
D: How are you doing?
M: I'm alright.
D: Your school program is tomorrow night, isn't it?
M: Yeah.
D: I just wanted to tell you that I'll be thinking about you tomorrow night.
M: Okay.
D: I sure wish I could be there, but I sure am going to be proud of you tomorrow night. When you are up there singing those songs, you think about Daddy out there grinning in that audience.
M: I will. I'm hoping Mom will take the camera so you can have some pictures of it.
D: Okay. You tell Grandmom and Grandpop I appreciate them coming.
M: I will.
D: Are the other girls in bed?
M: No, do you want to say hi?
D: Please.   Hey...
M: Huh?
D: I love you.
M: I love you to. Girls - It's Dad.
Amanda (Am): Hello.
D: Hello.
Am: Hi Daddy!
D: How's my pretty girl?
Am: I want to tell you something.
D: Okay.
Am: For Easter, I'm going to get you an Easter card and just a little something. It's gonna be from me.
D: That's great. I'll be looking forward to getting something from you. And hey...
Am: What?
D: I love you.
Am: I love you to.
D: More than all the world.
Am: I love you to.
D: And I'm so proud of you. You're such a good girl for Daddy and Daddy is so proud of that. He has such a pretty girl, such a smart girl, and such a good girl.
Am: You know what? I'm also gonna get some Easter eggs and an Easter basket and put stuff in it and put stickers in it.
D: Hm Hmm
Am: I'm going to buy you one of those. They are at Gerland's.
D: Okay. I love you baby doll.
Am: Okay.
D: And I will see you this weekend. Okay?
Am: Okay.
D: You pray for Daddy tonight will you?
Am: Yeah.
D: You say your prayers.
Am: And I'm also going to pray for Aunt Janis.
D: Okay. Can I talk to Ashley now?
Am: (Ashley making noises in the background) Ashley - Be quiet, I can't even hear.
I love you.
D: I love you.
Am: I got three tooths loose.
D: You did?
Am: Uh huh.
D: Well great! That's good. I love you baby.
Am: I love you too.
D: You pray for Daddy tonight.
Am: Okay. Goodbye.
D: Bye Bye.
Ashley (A): Daddy!
D: Hi! I love you!
A: Um - you know what?
D: What? You love me?
A: Do you want me to give you some suckers?
D: Yeah.
A: Tonight is Grandmom and Grandmom's house.
D: Yeah, you are going to see Grandmom and Grandpop tomorrow.
A: My uncle, my uncle is going to have a baby.
D: Uh-huh, I love you.
A: Did you see my uncle having a baby?
D: Yeah, Aunt Janis is going to have a baby.
A: Do you know?
D: Uh-huh. We'll see her this weekend.
A: I don't get to come with you tomorrow. Today I will.
D: Okay. I love you.
A: I love you to.
D: Hey.
A: I need to tell you one more thing. (Bunch of gibberish)
D: You pray for Daddy tonight.
A: Yeah, I'll pray for you. I'll pray for Jesus and for God.
D: Okay. You tell Jesus that you love Daddy.
Ashley drops the phone.
Michelle picks up.
M: Okay. Ashley says she didn't say goodbye, so goodbye for her.
D: I just needed to be cheered up tonight and ya'll sure cheered me up.
Goodbye.
M: I love you!
D: I love you sweetheart!
M: Goodbye.
D: Bye Bye.

I want to remember to ALWAYS tell my daughter how much I love her, how pretty she it, how smart she is, how proud and I am, and talk about prayers, God, and Jesus all the time. How cool is that?

I will ALWAYS love you this much!

How Great is Our God?

I'm writing this post right now. I'm not sure if I will end up publishing it, but it helps me to write it.

My dad died on December 12, 2010. It feels strange to type that out. My dad has always suffered from many health issues. He is diabetic, had triple bypass surgery, had a stroke, and various other issues. In October, his sugar kept dropping and he passed out twice. Both times, the ambulance had to be called and they had to take him to the hospital.

During one of those falls, he chipped one of the vertebrae in his back. It caused him extreme pain and he was scheduled for a routine surgury on December 10, 2010. This surgery would take some bone from his hip and fuse the bone in his back. (I don't know all of the lingo.) Most of the weekend, he was sleeping and on pain meds. On Sunday morning, his breathing became shallow and then he stopped breathing. The doctors worked for a while to revive him, but had no success.

There are really no words I can possibly use to describe losing my daddy. I have tried to sympathize with those I have known who have lost a parent, but I now realize that I really had no idea. I also have decided that no one will be able to understand how I feel because no one else has ever lost a parent at the exact age, in the exact way, and in the exact circumstance that I lost my dad. Only I will ever know and be able to understand what I feel right now.

I feel a little bit lost right now. I feel all over the place with every emotion you can possibly describe.

I feel sad for many obvious reasons.
I am sad for some not-so obvious reasons.
I feel grateful for the time I had with my dad.
I am thankful for my sisters.
I am grieving for the time I have lost with my dad.
I am ANGRY! ANGRY! ANGRY!
I want to hug my dad again. My dad gave the best hugs.
I am so thankful for an amazing husband who has said all the right things. I have pushed Daniel away and immediately wanted him back. He has been a rock.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I feel guilty for doing normal things.
Normal things don't feel normal anymore.
Will I be able to take a deep breath again?

How Great is our God? How great that I can feel all of these things? If I didn't, then I would never have known the love I feel for my dad.

I have always thought the purpose and reason God gave us the innate desire to have kids of our own is to understand his true love for us. It is through our own children that we can even come close to understanding the love our Father has lavished on us. Only because of our own children can we truly understand the love and forgiveness our Father has given us. I LOVE that.

My dad understood that. He loved us like I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I now have my very own personal angel. I can talk to my Heavenly Father and my earthly Father at the same time and they both will be listening and understanding. I like the idea of that.

I am blessed to say I had a daddy. He was funny, serious, smart, loving, funny, complimentary, funny, thoughtful, simple, easy, funny, and wonderful.

The words to the song, How Great Is Our God, keep running through my head. How Great is our God that I can continue to think, feel, and love my dad?

The splendor of a King,
clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
all the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
and darkness tries to hide
it trembles at his voice,
trembles at his voice

CHORUS(1):
How great is our God, 
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see 
How great
How great is our God

VERSE(2):
And age to age He stands
and time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End, 
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
the Lion and the Lamb,
the Lion and the Lamb

CHORUS: 
How great is our God, 
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, 
How great is our God

I really WANT to Blog!

I REALLY want to be a good blogger. It's not so much for other people, but so I can remember everything going on. How ever, good intentions don't result in the actual process. Oh Well!
Here are some recent pictures from our summer adventures.


I got to meet my second cousin, Eli Becknell. He is SO cute!

The girls went to eat sushi, my favorite!

My sisters and I went shopping. I LOVE them!

We had a fun day in Kemah with Daniel's family.

We went to the zoo before Rachel left for Minnesota.

As you can see, we are staying busy. This was the first summer in a long time where I actually had a few weeks off and it felt NICE!

Daniel leaves in 3 weeks to go to Mansfield for 7 weeks. He has his first round of clinicals. I am going to MISS him! I will be a single girl again for a while. Thank goodness for Skype!

Funny Moments at the Wedding

I thought I would share a couple of fun memories from the wedding. I am even displaying the ugly cry face from me, but Daniel and I had a good laugh from the pictures yesterday:) They were both fun moments captured by the camera in order. Way to go Julie:)

The Moment I Realized I was Really Doing This:

Daniel's Aunt Ruthie made a ring pillow for us with our names and the wedding date on it. I think this was the moment that it really hit me I was getting married. So cool:)

"I can't believe you were able to do this."

"It has our names and the date of our marriage - January 1, 2010"

"Look Jeanne and Bethany, isn't this so neat?"

"Whoo, I am really doing this! It is in stitching on a pillow:)"

"I'm getting married in one hour!" (cue ugly cry face)

"Thank you so much Aunt Ruthie! This is so special."

"Okay, we are really doing this!" (I even used hand gestures!)

"Okay, I need to stop crying! I really can't wait to marry Daniel, I promise. This is a good cry."

Honeymoon or Not to Honeymoon?

Really, the pictures speak for themselves and it turned out to be a fun memory!

"I can't wait to go on our honeymoon."

"Knock, knock! Do you want me to go on this honeymoon with you Amanda?"

"That's okay honey, you take as long as you want while all these people are laughing at me!"

"I guess she does want me to go on the honeymoon with her."

"Victory! I can get in the car now. Is this what I can expect?"

"A kiss makes everything better!"

"My wife is nuts! I have to admit that was pretty funny!"

"I am so lucky I get to kiss you whenever I want!"

"St. Lucia - Here we come!"

A Teacher's New Year

Teachers' usually follow a little bit of a different yearly schedule than most. Here are a few examples:

New Years Day
I consider August to be my New Year. My year starts in August and ends in July. I usually set new goals and resolutions during this time. I definitely have some resolutions this year. My #1 resolution is to be more healthy. In the craziness of last year, my health definitely did not get the attention it deserved. I am going to focus on eating better and getting some exercise in. I do not have these grand ideas of losing a bunch of weight and never eating another hamburger. My goals are more simple: I need to drink more water, work out at least 3 times a week, and eat better food (as long as it includes sushi rolls every now and then:)

Spring Cleaning
Let's be honest, we do not have the time to do any spring cleaning. Yes, we do have a Spring Break, but it is more important to use that time to see family and recover from exhaustion because we have neglected sleep and family time during the previous months. We do Summer Cleaning. I am actually quite proud of my cleaning accomplishments over break. I reorganized and deep cleaned the house. I cooked dinner and did laundry. I will have to admit, I am looking forward to going back to work because of this part of our yearly schedule. I LOVE being at home, but I don't think I could ever do it for an extended length of time. As long as I love my job, I will always look forward to being there and having adult interaction. Admittedly, I also do not live on the sort of budget that allows me to do what I would really like to in the Summer: shopping, multiple lunches with friends, vacations and traveling galore, etc. etc., etc.:) However, some of the best times spent are free and have made my short 4 weeks off glorious: reading good books, taking naps with my husband when he is out of class early, going to the beach, etc., etc., etc:)

Labor Day
Labor Day can be a bit frustrating because in our case, we have a 3 day weekend immediately following our second week with kiddos.  Why can't our Labor Day be later in the fall after we're a little burnt out on taking papers home to grade, waking up at 5:30, spending multiple days and weeks on our feet, writing lesson plans, etc., etc., etc.? I mean, let's face it, the first two weeks of school are what I call, the "Honeymoon Phase".  Every class is fairly well behaved. I rarely see any discipline cases. The students are new to the teacher and to each other. It's after the first two weeks that the "Honeymoon phase" starts to fade and true colors come out, some good and some bad. We definitely need our Labor Day much later:)

I would be curious about what other teachers thought about our "schedule". Do you have any additions?

Ode to the Trailer Days:)

When I went to A&M, my parents bought a trailer for me to live in with my cousins. There were 3 sets of families living together and it was a blast. These were my roommates for all 4.5 years I was in College Station and we were really blessed to be together. The other day, I was cleaning out some picture frames and found one with pictures from our first year together. We look REALLY young, but it was really nice to go down memory lane. I love you guys:)

One night, we built a tent in the living room. I think we popped popcorn and watched a movie.

I love Kasey:) She is a sweetheart and expecting a baby boy soon. She will be a great mom. 

This was the night of Sadie Hawkins. It was a fun night. 

How cool that about 10 years later, Charlie would be the minister to unite Daniel and I in marriage?

Bethany and Kasey are being silly in the kitchen. Bethany LOVES to tell the story about my first time to brown hamburger meat. I didn't know it was called "browning" and made a big deal about the meat turning from pink to brown. I had NO idea that it did that. 

Our first Halloween as the Mc Donald's food. 

This was taken at Gattiland. Shannon is smelling Charlie to make sure he doesn't have body odor. I am glad she survived:)

I am thankful for our times in College Station. We had MANY laughs and sometimes tears, but we were always there for each other and I will never forget my "trailer days".